Well, where do I start?

Well, where do I start? At the moment I feel like an idiot. -.- A very stressed out idiot, which tends to make things even worse. I mean, feeling like an idiot is one thing, and then having a million other things to worry about in life kind of just fuels the fire of stress.



How do I know I'm stressed? Well doesn't everyone just know? I mean how can one not know they're stressed, that's just wierd. I guess you could say one could feel stressed but confuse it for depression or sickness. I admit I've done that once or twice in my life.



But no one, lest I tell them, believes I'm stressed. They say I'm too up-beat, too happy. I must be a pretty good actress because even though I feel stressed, I put on a façade of happiness. But then again, some of my friends say that I don't appear stressed, even if I am alone. So this leaves me wondering; can one appear to be happy while forlorn and confusion lies within their deepest depths? Or are these feelings so deep that they are concealed by an outer layer of falsehood? Wow I sound like a philpsophy student right now...



So anyway. If you are wondering why I am so stressed, then my dear reader I feel myself obligated to share with you.



I have developed a serious crush on an older man, he is four years older than me. And a Freshman-Senior(For safety reasons I will not reveal HS or College or Uni) relationship is an almost impossible one to actually happen. And even though I knew this, I went for it. I was friendly, maybe a tiny bit flirty, but nothing much. I told myself repeatidly that it would never work(it never seems to work out for me anyway), and yet my heart thought otherwise and I basically went head over heels.



As I just mentioned, I have never had much luck with men. Therefore, I have basically sworn them off until I'm a wee bit older. But theeeeen I met this guy. For my sake, let's call him "senior F", mkay? So I actually met "senior F" back in the summer when I joined my school's Cross Country team. At first I was a bit nasty because one of my friends(now ex, we'll get to her later) was. And I am just realizing that this ex friend caused me to act much differently than I normally would. So anyway, he is in my Phys. Ed course and I actually got to know him. He is super sweet with eyes that melted my heart the minute I actually held his gaze.



And seriously, I thought he felt the same. My stupid naiivite(or however you spell the damned word). And my friends thought he liked me too. So maybe I flirted a little more, I dunno. But the more I got to know him, the more my heart would swell everytime I saw him or heard him talk. I was letting myself get in too deep and what's worse, I knew it! My friends told me to back off right away, that he was a senior and would be leaving school in the summer. But did I listen to my friends? Of course I didn't.



So apparently my state doesn't write enough. So because of that, all my courses are being given extra assignments...whoopdee doo. This includes the course I'm taking in voice. My teacher, Ms. B, assigned us to listen to songs and describe how the song made us feel, what it was about and how we could relate if we could. So using the upmost subtly I created the journal, writing mostly about love songs and how I could relate them to my feelings about "senior F". Well I dunno how, but I think she figured it out. I was positive that I was using subtly, but I guess my subtleness skills suck.



So yesterday I was on line at the cafe` and there is Ms. B, talking to "senior F"'s table. And as I walk out, my muffin in hand, she walks over and gives me this wierd, giggly 'I know something...' smile that really got to me. So when I asked her why she was smiling in such a way, she simply replied "I'm not smiling at anything". And after that, I got really shaky and I figured something was up. Ms. B was crazy, but I'd never seen that look on her face. So I left the cafe`, scared on my life.

And there is are a few points in the day where I pass "senior F" on my way to classes. In this day, there was only one point left. And when I passed that point, he didn't even acknolwedge my presence. So that's about when I started to freak out. Not on the outside, as I stated way up above, but on the inside.

And today we had our Phys. Ed course together. And he barely talked to me. He didn't make eye contact, and basically gave me the cold shoulder. Not only did this leave me hurt, but pissed off. I mean come on! He's the senior in this situation. He should be handling this maturely, not like a second grader. And then in the halls on our way to our classes, while I said a friendly "Hey "senior F"," he adverted his eyes and said "Hi Brooke..." and kept walking. I felt unjustifiably snubbed.

So being my stubborn, hard headed self, instead of being the mature one in the situation I snubbed him in the hallway. I caught his eys, hardened my jaw and looked away. I felt like I was going to cry. This has got to be one of the biggest infatuations I've ever had with a person, and for all of this to be ripped away like this was hard. And it was hard snubbing him, because I really didn't want to.

So I don't cry over guys, it's my rule to myself. And although I tell myself that, it's really hard to keep myself from doing so. And what's worse is that I STILL WANT HIM. It's not fair. I shouldn't want him like this. I guess now I feel bad too. Because I was immature and snubbed him I could have potentially ruined a friendship. I should have been mature and smiled. Now I don't cry over guys, but I do over friendships. Right now I want to crawl under a rock for letting myself be so stupid. I mean, I know I'm like romantically challenged, so I never should have tried.

xBrookex